December 2025

I don't think I fucked up. We're talking, they don't know I had a minor breakdown so oopsie on that one.

Today has overall been categorised as deeply frustrating. Woke up from a dream about them, luckily had therapy to talk it through, but still hurts. Having to deal with the same inane issues at work, then trying to sort some stuff for the Thailand trip and realising I will barely scrape by on my savings. Gonna try and wait to do the final payment to try and milk out a tiny amoun more of interest. Then decided to finally continue my Imago presciption stuff, £280, which is insane. That prompted me to try and cancel my GenderGP sub since they suuuuuuck. Turns out I have to sign up to the new Hub page they set up, but that suddenly wants me to pay them £5 for "ID Verification" (been with them 3 years by the way). Had to have a very circular conversation with a stupid AI chatbot to get them to pass it to a real person, and maybe now I'll get a response within 2 working days. So gave up on GenderGP for now and decided to let the NHS aware that I'm traveling to Thailand to get my PENIS chopped OFF. Turns out they don't even want to prescibe me HRT when it's absolutely medically necessary, why is trans healthcare just cruel here. I'm just so mad from all of this it's been endless.

I fear I have fucked up, probed where I shouldn't have, made my feelings known, and may have lost a long time friend. Either that or I'm being anxious and they just havent had a chance to reply. It's tiring to feel like I lose more friends than I gain. Nobody really ends up sticking around for too long. Not sure why... I try my best to be kind, supportive, open to change. It feels like that's not important though because people having an issue with me would prefer to just leave than even give me a chance to be better. Or maybe not, maybe I'm thinking too much about this. End of the day I only feel like worthwhile person to my GF and another online friend, but nobody else seems to particularly care. Feels like I'm the easiest person to cut out in any particular group

Wowee I forgot about this place!! My bad chat. My surgery is basically all but a concrete thing, visa is approved, flights are booked, hotel is reserved. Yeah I still need to get insurance but oouuuugh thats effort! GF has been staying basically non-stop and its AWESOME. They're staying the rest of december and we're gonna spend xmas together <3.

On an unrelated note, I feel like I'm making some good steps in my recovery from my ex. They dont cross my mind as often, I don't yearn to go back, the urge to reach back out is rare and weaker than it used to be. I will full acknowlegde that it's not linear, I may find myself feeling worse later, but for now I'm doing good! Oh hey and Zephyr, if you SOMEHOW manage to stumble across this: Hi! no hard feelings! Sorry how things ended, hope you're safe and happy

OH ALSO, check out my KICKASS new comm:

Gotta be my new fave, Kassian is a great artist :)